The Little Timmy Story

As seen on myspace blog for me....


Little Timmy was an asshole. He was so much of an asshole he got fed up with treating normal people like shit. So Timmy thought of a plan to terrorize Santa Claus. Every year he was bad he still got presents so, in his infinite wisdom, he thought it would be a good idea to see how far he could go before Santa got pissed. Timmy wanted Santa so pissed that he would come to Timmy personally to tell him of his "assholery". So Timmy proceeded to arrange many acts of mishief in an order so devious that even Satan would cream his pants. One kink in his plan was old man Johnson. Old man Johnson was this tired bastard who fought in some war. He spent every waking moment trying to thwart Timmy's doings. So to execute his well made plan he would have to first dispatch with the old man. So on that evening he decided to sneak into Johnson's shack of a home and do away with him. He wandered the kitchen for something to gut the old bastard with. He came upon a corkscrew and decided that it would be poetic to "screw" the man to death. So he snuck into Johnson's living room where he slept on his recliner and, with much gusto, jammed the corkscrew into his temple. Johnson flailed about wildly while screaming obscenities.In a panic Timmy grabeed the lamp and bashed the poor fucker's skull in till he was quiet. Timmy smiled....and oh what a smile. All of a sudden he heard a clip-clop on the roof. In his mind he thought it was Santa....but when he got on the roof he found a different red man. "Santa?" he asked. "No, you dumb fuck, its Satan!" the red man proclaimed. "I came here to tell you how much I admire your work....and wanted to offer you a job." The boy stared at him for a minute then broke the silence saying "Fuck that...I got bigger plans." As he said this he threw the lamp he was still holding at the red man and knocked him off the roof. Timmy's smile grew bigger. The next morning he woke to find that it had snowed heavily while he slept. As he turned from his window, which was covered in snow, he saw a large man wearing a red and white suit. The man had an odd familiarity about him. "Hello Timmy, you have been especially naughty these last few days" the stranger said as he moved closer. Timmy responded with "How the fuck did you know that?" "I have not even implemented my plan!" The stranger pulled a large candy cane from behind his back and said "You killed a man last night with a corkscrew and lamp....that was naaaaaaughty." Timmy's smile reappeared wider than ever...for Timmy was holding a sword. "Bring it on you red cocksucker...I got your good tidings right here bitch." The two clashed with cane and sword. The cane was as steel and struck like a hammer. "You have done this before I see" Timmy shouted. "Let us see how you withstand fire" and just then he pulled back and dropped under his bed to grab a flamethrower. The flamethrower was makeshift and made out of his father's propane tank(from the grill) and a cheap grill lighter with a trigger added on. He shot a fireball at the man which burned brighter than any star. As the man writhed in pain, and the clothes burned away, Timmy noticed who it really was. "Satan you decietful fuck!" Satan replied "I am Santa you asshole...Santa...Satan...too close for comfort?" Timmy's smile began to fade as he thought this over. It then returned as quickly as it left and twice the size. Timmy set the flame thrower in a toybox and pulled out a rocket launcher. He hoisted it on his shoulder and whispered "Boom". He launched the rocket at Satan which blew his red body into a shower of red goop. A portal opened up and sucked the bits into it and yelled out "Timmy! You Asshole!" Timmy replied "Two birds with one stone" an began to laugh loudly.

The End